I've been worshiping to this song the past few days. I purchased the CD this song is on and found it about a week ago; the CD is going to be my study CD. When I heard this song I've replayed it now about a half dozen times. It's moving, compelling, emotion-provoking, powerful. It moves me to want Christ more.

There is a sense about life these days compelling a feeling of hopelessness. There is a reality to the idea that no matter how "good" something goes, there is an end to it; or even worse in the midst of the experience of that really good reality, somewhere, most places, there is utter depravity and sadness. Life in most places on this globe are not all that great. I have sensed this now for a few years, beginning at the loss of my son a little over four years ago. Life is not awesome. In most ways it is hell. The prick in my spirit bringing this thought back to the surface was the visit to a nursing home facility where an aging Episcopalian Priest came up to speak to someone and from outward appearances seems wholly normal. But as he began to speak it sounded as if he wanted to follow up on some work he had delegated but none of his words made a sentence and all of his rambling was incoherent. His dementia is severe, obvious, and killing him. Pouring his life out for the church and his end is met with mental darkness and wasting. How poignant! Christians believe the point of life is the Gospel of Jesus, the gospel changes life and brings hope and healing to a dark and dying world. The irony of this man is he pours his life out for the advancement of the Gospel only to end his life unable to articulate a sentence about this life changing, healing-bringing message. Does he even know what the Gospel is anymore?

I thought of Ecclesiastes . . . meaningless! I thought of the book of Job, speaking of the wicked, "How often are they like straw before the wind, like chaff swept away by a gale?" (Job 21:18 NIV) There is gratitude in being reminded in the shortness of this life. There must be something greater. Lord help us if this is all there is; how grateful one must be to know there will be an end, sometime, to all the dementia, dying, aging, death. As I meditated on this, it made me grateful that God would even tell us there is an end. We do not deserve to know this fact; the knowledge He has given us is not on a need to know basis. He has given us hope. There will be an end to the suffering and loss. How unwise to put my plan for peace and prosperity in the basket of now.

Church & Christ

Chris and I took the kids to a Messianic Jewish church yesterday with our friends. It was a, dare I say, life changing and transformational experience. It was like the curtain to the stage of my mind was pulled back just a little and the exposure of sheer ignorance shown brightly in front of the stage lights.

One paradigm that continues to be exposed is how I import, or maybe transport, my 21st Western thinking into first century middle Eastern characters and culture. I realized my thoughts of Jesus were a person born in Iowa or Nebraska or Pennsylvania; He's just some good ole boy from a small-town farm. Born in the 20's or 30's. He's obviously passed away and in heaven but his upbringing was so familiar to mine He's not that much different. As I sat in the service it blasted me, Jesus is Jewish. He's not part Jewish and part Nebraskan. He is ALL Jewish. And in order to understand Him, to truly know Him, I need to know something about what it means to be Jewish. To know the Christ of the New Testament, it is imperative to know the Old Testament.

I was so impacted from the service and this realization that I am changing about the order of my studies. Instead of taking Greek this next fall, I'm going to study Hebrew. And instead of pursuing any more New Testament classes I am going to take Old Testament classes first. I want to study in the order of the History of the Bible and the culture of the Bible in order to understand the Bible more fully.

Character

Today is the last day of the first week of my second semester of graduate studies. And what a semester this is going to be; I am very excited about the course load. I am taking a New Testament class focusing on the Epistles through Revelation; Church History focusing on the Reformation through the modern era; and a pastoral theology & worship class.

In my pastoral theology class this week we discussed the five "P's" of leadership: Prayer, plan, prepare, practice, and perform. Great thoughts that can take some time to meditate on and apply. Specifically the 'P' of planning. I can definitely use some work when it comes to this area of my life. Taking time throughout the week to work specifically on areas that need work. Carving time to intentionally focus on projects that get neglected yet are crucial in taking me to the next level of life.

It made me think about the reality of leadership; much of what we do is imposed on us by outside factors. Buildings, budgets, and bodies can be a focus we can not escape and our planning is around these things. But what about the leader who is not yet in a position and much of the planning is self-imposed. What benchmarks should that leader be looking at to see if they are focused in the right direction?

I respect and value this professor so much. His answer, in my opinion, is absolutely right on. He answered (my shortened version) the leader needs to focus on character. He elaborate a bit, but for now I want to focus in on my thoughts about how to assess character. I'm trying to think of how to take a personal character inventory. What types of things should we be looking for in our lives to see where we are at on the road to quality and deep character and what indicators should we look for to see if aspects of our character need work. Self character assessment is almost impossible. I'm realizing I will need to cultivate some quality relationships with other men whom I trust in order to help me hold up the mirror and do some character construction.

Not to be trite, but "male accountability" is way overused and often misunderstood. I have seen groups of men get together and ask 'specific' questions and everyone has to answer 'honestly' and if we have a good week then it's some back-slapping, good 'ole boy congrats and if we mess up then it's some hearty c'mon man's, get in the game's. Blech. Talk about a recipe for failure. It's totally law based. I'm sure there would be someone reading this who would disagree and say, "That stuff is important, Brian." That's okay. I'll give you the freedom to be wrong.

More on that later.

For now, I've got some planning to do.